Haiz... why am i a virgo? I feel that it is very unlucky lol... But since i'm a virgo, i'am a virgo! Lol.. One 'special' trait that every... or most Virgos have is yearning for perfection; they want their lives and everything to be perfect. It may be a positive or a negative thing but sadly, i fall in to the negative category. Thought i was never going to touch my blog already... But today's happenings are really some things worth of me to clarify. Cause i'm born in the mice year... I'm timid. whenever i want to say something: usually important, i won't dare to say it like 'in your face' that kind of stuff. So i use the electronic development on this Earth. So... Today, i kind of screwed up cause i got jealous... Apparently jealousy got the better of me... Lol like writing compo. Then in class... Felt left out.. No one talks to me and its kind of awkward to start a topic when no one wants to talk to you.. So i went to sit at the back of the class, with my other friends.. They were not in my previous 'clique' though. Then onhe friend took my seat and it became quite chatty there... yea so... Kind of grew jealous lol... I was actually siting with me previous 'clique'. Recess time came.. Everything seemed... abit sad to me. I felt my stomach moaning then my heart tearing (*Exaggerating but really felt abit sad lol) 'Clique' asked me whether i wanted to follow.. Upset tummy and me didn't want to be that extra to follow such a happy group without me. I was thinking what is the meaning of a clique? Isn't it suppposed to mean like a group of besties and no others? Then why just one person going in and the one other like feels left out. Same for the rest of the day. I rather spend time with my normal friends. Looking at them joke with each other again... That F**king jealous feeling kicks in agian. What should i do? yea so i told one of my 'clique' mates. She said i was thinking too much. Perhaps i was.. But she did console me, try ask me not so emo and think so much. Couldn't fill more things in my brain, i didn't really heed her advice. Then lunch came. Wanted to be left alone... this time i really didn't want to go. then they asked me to... Then i followed... But its like more than our 'clique' of 4, it was 5, which later became 4 and to 6. Of course i wouldn't mind if it happened now but.. I was really wanting like... What they said when we decided to form a clique... They said that we would eat together and not any others... But i dunno.. Maybe they forgot. Then art.. Js was rather normal to me like how we used to be... Then ben and Xh joked with me and shawn and others behind me were blabbering away. Seemed like any other normal day but the 2 other member of my 'clique' were rather sad... Or rather angry. So... Yea Didn't really know what to do... Just talked to Js and others around me. Continued with my art. And yea. Somehow stopped smsing my 'clique' as i used to then... hmmm... dunno la. So i just decided to start all over.. Clean and fresh. Leave this 'clique' for just enough time for me to think. prefably after the Eoys then go back. Some sin this is... so... I don't know. I was the one wanting the clique, now i'm the one like parting it. Feel kind of sorry. it's my fault... Most of it but.. I think that some other factor is also the one that makes me lose alot... That factor... I lost my best friend.. Now maybe still friend ad a close one? I think so :) and my 'clique'... I was wondering how the heck i ended up in this 'clique'. If only i stayed with ben and xh.... How nice would it be? No more problems... And my 'clique' would be another's clique. I wouldn't feel too guilty, They would be happier and better off without me. I think smses ruined me... First ruined this super sms relation with a fren and now... Haiz... Thought that i shouldn't dwell on the path i have left behind too much and move on with the one that i chose now but it's hard for me not to look back. I'm like a baby crying over spilt milk. I really did cry. When i am sad, are they there with me? When i cry, are they there with me? When i am troubled, are they there to 'counsel' me? previously yes... But now i no longer feel the warmth. Perhaps this warmth is given to yet another person... Just wish myself good luck bahh no matter which way i choose and whether i would end up being cut up by the same bush along the way again... I just want a perfect life... An ideal life i want and good friends. I dun expect friends to be perfect but at least not make me feel so left out. Or maybe i wont even have that kind of true friends. Maybe i am just another shadow that is fading away without any notice of anyone, just another body who eats and sleeps and wastes the Earth's resources. Maybe if i died... It would be a good thing. The Earth would just get lighter and i would be gone silently... cause no one even has me in mind... Haiz... This blog has lots of ups and downs.. First few posts sad.. Next few happy then now sad agian... Haiz... I'm quite a wierd guy aren't i? Maybe i should just disappear from this world.. Just when you think that i am ending this post, you are wrong. Haha Watched one piece ep 237... Saw Ussop and Luffy's fight... I cried.. Its like ussop leaving the crew.. Just like how i'm leaving this 'clique'. But the only difference is that i knew how the story goes... That Ussop would soon return to the StrawHat Pirates.. But how about me? My future is not decided like how it is in animes... Its just like my mother says... Humans are born to suffer, not to enjoy... Its quite an irony how people say 'Lets enjoy life'. Maybe i'm just too pessimistic... Haiz... WHAT A COMPLICATED PERSON I AM INDEED... Haiz plus some shitty family i have... Keep scolding me even if i am feeling sad or what. Its their fault and says its mine... Can my life get even worser? I think it can....
